This is what I was feeling like all day Wednesday (15th Feb. 2006). It was a day I was put under so much pressure and yet managed to survive and fight the pressure (without have a heart attack or totally loosing my sanity. I managed to over come it.
People think just because you are a PhD STUDENT life is cool. No its not so. In a PhD its worse.
In an office you will have (if you are lucky) just a few bad days at work. In a PhD you will definitely have only a very few bad days at work (most of the bad days occour when you are on your own!).
But those very few bad days squeeze all the hurt into one tiny pill which you end up eating. It is a killer day. If you survive you learn something.
This time I learned to trust myself. That I am not as weak as I think I am. Also I learnt not to have blind faith in myself. Because I am also not as invincible as I think I am.
God and good luck can only provide you with limited help.
:)
A.
23rd June 1985. A calm Sunday morning over the north Atlantic.
Over Ireland an Air India flight (AI-182) was making its way towards London followed by a TWA flight.
Most people don't know what happened next. The name of the AI plane was Kanishka.
Still don't know what happened next?
Sometime around 7:14 GMT a bomb in the luggage hold of the AI plane exploded. All 329 passengers on board died. Some died as the plane broke up at 31,000 feet others fell with the mangled remains of AI 182 into the sea where they drowned. I can't imagine the terror finding yourself falling from a burning aircraft when moments ago you were enjoying a Hindi movie in the comfort of the aircraft cabin.
Check out this excellent website: http://www.flight182.com/index.htm
Terrorists. They killed 329 innocent people. Why? Just because they wanted an independent state? It is pathetic. Independence doesn't come by killing innocent people. It comes when you are ready to sacrifice yourself before others. It doesn't come by destroying life. It comes by making sure that YOUR life has a meaning.
They should make a movie on the 329 martyrs. They made sure Punjab is a part of India and that there is peace. Sacrifice... that is the key.
Do you agree?
"only with love u can feel real sexuality"
Is sex without love really not that good? Do you really need to make love and not just have raw sex?
I think sex without love is like pizza without toppings.
:D
Arti says:
well
Losing my sanity says:
well :D
Losing my sanity says:
?
Arti says: :D
you are stupid
Arti says: :D
Arti says:
happy
Losing my sanity says:
hehehehe
Losing my sanity says:
yes yes :D VERY!
The meds must be making me crazy.
I actually spent 2 hours going through profiles (of girls) at Shaadi.com (matrimonial site) having a good laugh at my own foolishness. I was looking at girls from Bristol. But the REALLY SCARY bit was when I nearly put up my own profile on Shaadi.com. I thought the registration form was for.. well.. registration purposes only. But when I found myself filling a textbox labeled as 'About yourself' I realized what I was actually doing. I was creating a profile on Shaadi.com. For a second I thought about going ahead and putting my profile on the site. Just for fun even!
But then I got scared. What if I actually GOT a response. That nearly made me pee in my pajamas.
Most people say that they 'invite trouble on themselves'.
I have this habit of first inviting trouble and then following up the invitation with a phone call to ensure that indeed trouble is on its way.
But my trawl through the site wasn't all useless. Maybe picked up some interesting nuggets. ;)
Luck beats data-mining any day.
I am back in Bristol after an eventful 50 odd days in India.
Lots of new things happened. I explored some long forgotten rooms of my heart. Rebuilt some old connections and strengthened the new ones.
The time of switch-over from New Delhi to Bristol is always a tough one for me. I always end up feeling really sad and depressed because I know the next time I go home another year would have passed.
Maybe this year I will go back home for good? After all this is the final year of my Ph.D.
I end up thinking always that I am a very fragile person. A smallest vibration can shake me to pieces.
A friend of mine talked about motivation.
What is that one thing which gets you out of your bed on a day you wake up wishing you were dead?
What motivates you then?
I think its a combination of two things. Firstly the thoughts and blessings of the people who truly love you. Secondly the more primitive instinct to survive against all odds.
While blessings set the stage for you, its up to the primitive instincts to make you want to grab that sword and wade into the battlefield that is Life.
Blessings help us when we are wounded on the battlefield of Life. It helps us when we have been seperated from our mates. When we are surrounded. It helps us when we die on this battlefield since on a battlefield Death is never far.
Death here means failure.
When we are sent back to the healing room to be revived.
To re-enter the melee.
To fight on.
No I have not gone and spent a night at one of the many call centers that now litter the Indian countryside.
Last night I couldn't sleep so I picked up this book by Chetan Bhagat titled 'One night @ the call center'.
I managed to run through the book in one night. Sorry to diverge slightly at this point but one needs to appreciate the improvement in the quality (content as well as presentation) of books published in India. Thankfully the publisher kept the font size big throughout the book thus my tired eyes could continue reading for 4-5 hours continuously.
I put down this book with mixed emotions struggling for supremacy within me. The thing which I found odd about this book was its ending. I don't mean the last scene in the train. But the last scene at the signal. It sounded like something seen in a Hollywood rom-com (that's romantic comedy). The final ending, though, is a classical 180 degree twist ending and one can't complain about it.
The book itself is gripping and fast. More than that if you have the right mix of voyeurism and curiosity in you, the book will keep you entertained with a whole lot of predictable twists and turns through the story. Such things (don't want to spoil the twists) must surely happen to real people since we hear about them everyday through friends, family and the media.
Out of the six main characters (3 males, 3 females) I am sure everyone (especially those living in Delhi) will be able to pick a favourite one, the one who they feel closest to. Maybe because we have seen someone going through similar problems, someone we care(d) about? Or maybe we ourselves went through the same set of problems.
Initially I had some problems digesting the 'call from god' bit. But then again as the author suggests its better to take a risk and crash rather than sit in your comfort zone and just exist.
I compliment the author on taking this risk.
Finally the author raises a valid point about who is really holding the leash when it comes to Call Centers and BPOs. It is a messy and debatable topic but one thing is clear. Call centers are the modern digital sweat shops where you don't 'sweat' since it is centrally air-conditioned. You pay the price of a good nights rest and a meaningless existence leading only to a sum of money at the end of the month.
But maybe this view is not correct. Maybe people want the cocoon of a sum of money at the end of the month and see call center jobs as proper careers? Will need to talk to someone about this.
:)
UPDATE:
Have spoken to a friend of mine who works at a call center.
According to her around 20% of her co-workers think of a call center job as a long term career.
At the same time another friend of mine who has worked for a call center said working there made you feel as if "you were a dog tied to a post with a headset instead of a leash".
Everytime people get to know that I am doing a Ph.D. they ask me what it is about.
I have to sugar-coat my replies when in reality I want to just hand them one of my published papers and say something like "thats what its about, if you understand it then please explain it to me also".
I think if anything Ph.D. teaches you patience. Because sometimes I feel Ph.D. is all about waiting (or learning to wait!).
Waiting for your papers to be accepted or rejected.
Waiting for your supervisor.
Waiting to get results.
Ph.D. is like meditation. One has to be cool and calm and realise that a Ph.D. will last for minimum three years.
The three years of introspection and being alone in your work does give you tremendous confidence. On good days I feel like an eagle soaring high above everyone else.
But on bad days its difficult even to get out of bed.
:)
All big questions can be resolved into a problem of Wants VS Needs.
If you are in love with more than one girl then decide which girl you want and which girl you need. Always go after the one you want. Because needs are dictated by the brain.
Needs are practical. You need food, water and air. You need to sleep.
Love is anything BUT practical. Love goes against everything practical. Imagine if Romeo had been 'practical'. The story would have ended by Romeo ignoring Juliet coz he knew it just wasn't
practical for them to fall for each other.
Therefore when you fall in love go after the girl you want and not the girl(s) you need.
On a lighter note I was taking tips from a friend of mine on how to woo this one girl and here is what she said:
honey_blossom0: actually if i woo her i have better chances than u
The scary thing is... she might be right! :D
