About Fear...

Everyone has something that they fear the most... what I call a pet fear. Something which doesnt bother them outright like the fear of heights for example. A pet fear is something more subtle.. something which not only does not bother us outright but we also dont like talking about so we keep it at the back of our mind, tucked away somewhere in the deep unconscious part of our mind.
We only think about it when we know that we will be able to deal with it.
The reason we are so comfortable with it is because either we have learned to deal with it or we know that this particular fear will never translate into reality.

My pet fear is of never finding love till it is too late and then having regrets all my remaining life.
Some might say it is never to late to find love. I tell them that everything has a shelf life. Even emotions start rotting if they are kept locked up for a long time... even if you have kept them in the deep freeze of your mind.

For a person who has not felt love for say 30+ years, how difficult would it be to recognise true love and to react to it. That is what I ask you. Would the other person have patience enough to allow the person to figure out how to react. To give them time and space to seperate out what they thought they would do when the found true love with what is actually possible?

Sometimes that can be the biggest downer when you fall in love. The love story which played inside your mind all your life.. well, real life is not even remotely like that. And if it is.. then you must surely thank your lucky stars.

While I am not quite 30+ yet (still 24) my emotions have not soured up as yet. I have learned to manage this fear. If by some turn of events I do end up alone once I am more than 35 then I have made a promise to myself to devote myself completely to the only thing I can think of.. myself.

Some people tell me to stop acting desperate. If they think I am being desperate (and mostly they are right) then that is what I am. Sad but true.

Many times I have come across strong friendships in life. Strong friendships with the opposite sex which have just stopped beyond love for some strange reason or the other. Sometimes the friendships have gone on to become real good ones. But the element of love has only made a brief appearance much like a 'guest star' in a Friends episode. Girls as they come close to me get some strange vibes which kind of puts them off me. Maybe this vibe is the vibe of desperation? Maybe it is the vibe of being weak and indecisive (I will never seriously say 'I love you' first)? Maybe it is just the vibe of being a Piscean ;).

God only knows what it exactly is. One thing I do know though and that is, the day a girl is not scared of the vibe and still comes close to me... and says 'I love you Azahar'. That day I will be complete.. for that small blip in time, I will be complete. My days of wandering will be over and I will be home.

Though, if that moment in time never comes.. then I shall wander all my life till the day God sees fit to give me eternal peace under his (her?) gentle gaze.

:)
A.