My God - What a Friday!

What do you do when your day starts with your house-mate coming into your room and asking you 'are you in the toilet' (and you are sitting in your bed trying to decide whether to get confused at the question or to laugh!).

Last night at 2am (Friday) I felt like eating cornflakes. A friend found that weird. Couldn't figure out why anyone would want to eat cornflakes!

The sleep was good. For the first time in days could sleep without thinking about..

Then I got out of bed (after the funny start) and started thinking what to do with the day ahead.

And thought the best thing to waste the day away would be to write this blog entry! :P

For the special people...

My promise to you in form of a song (Umbrella by Rihanna):

When the sun shines, we’ll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be a friend
Took an oath I'ma stick it out till the end
Now that it's raining more than ever
Know that we'll still have each other
You can stand under my umbrella
You can stand under my umbrella

These lyrics define the service level agreement of our friendship! ;)

Yesterday a friend made me realise something. Relationships are not about individual happiness. Its about being together. Its not about 'my' happiness or 'your' happiness... but 'our' happiness.

Thank you for that!

My world...

Sometimes life can feel like the above picture. Also blocked in and closed with a hint of freedom.
Yet the block is not all stone and cement. There are windows. There are openings through which you can either allow light or darkness.

The choice is yours!

Female Logic..

Firstly I am NOT trying to say that women can be totally dumb and illogical sometimes.

What I am trying to say is that female logic is different. That is what makes it interesting. It is most fascinating to watch two women talking to each other in different situations.

Three interesting things I will point out here which I find are unique to women interacting with women...

1) Sniping... this is the situation when in a group of women one woman is the focus of all the attention and one woman is jealous. Often one will find a non-obvious verbal war going on between the two. Nothing will be said openly or clearly. Everything is hidden behind a veil of words. If you can identify this sniping then its really fascinating to see the two women dominating for supremacy. Oh and if you think the other women in the group are not aware of it... you are wrong! They are already taking sides.

2) Friendships... have you ever noticed how women seem to become friends with each other for no apparent reason (that is unless a sniping situation develops)? I think there is something unique about this phenomenon. Its almost as if two women recognise they are part of some secret club or society and that bonds them together?

3) Questions and Thoughts... women think SO differently. It is mind numbingly difficult for me to even try and think like that! Today I asked a lady a question about girls (related to sniping) she asked me in return that don't you have a girlfriend otherwise you would never have asked this question! I replied that when two women talk and I am the third person there, I switch off my brain and start praying to God (seems the safest option to me!).
If I don't know the women (lucky me!) then I like to listen like a fly on the wall. I observe very carefully how questions and various supporting gestures are carried out. I think in women thoughts are totally different from questions they ask which are totally different from the information conveyed by their body language.


In fact being evaluated by two women simultaneously (say by your girlfriend and her best friend who you just met 10 minutes ago) is the most difficult situation for some. I find such situations quite revealing.

The one advantage we men have is that women get fooled with words! Say the right words at the right time and you get a 10 out of 10! You can have your cake and eat it too.

For all my female friends and readers... before you launch multiple sub-kiloton nuclear warheads towards me... the above does not mean that I try and make a fool of you! You are an important part of my life so I would never like fooling around with you (in other words I BEG FOR MERCY)!

;)

The most depressing thing on Earth...

Recently my blog was called 'the most depressing thing on Earth' by one of my friends. This made me strangely happy!

I wanted to create a garden, all I ended up with was a desert.
Yet the desert has its own beauty, it changes, new patterns, new trails.
A garden, while pretty, remains the same.

I wonder why do people get depressed reading things which should inspire them to fight pain and sadness. If I can stand here and talk about some of the things that go on in my life then why can't people do the same especially with the ones they trust and love? Why do people prefer to live on without hope and happiness rather than just letting it all out?

This post is not about pain. Pain is but a resultant. What scars our psyche is the pain, yet the pain is only the resultant. The true source is the incident or the happening which caused the pain. This post is about dealing with the true source of the pain and getting to live a new life.

The whole process of pain is bit like flooding. The pain is the water, the cause might be heavy rains, broken water mains or a burst dam. Once the flood retreats we can see the actual damage. The same way the true effect of the pain is seen once the pain is gone.

If we extend this analogy the repair of damage is the healing process.

Further extending this analogy, if a water pipe has burst the resulting damage can be fixed by the house-owners on their own. If a river has broken its banks then the repairs can be carried out by the local community. But if a dam breaks or there are heavy rains over a large area then external help is required since usually all support services of the affected region are crippled.

Similarly, sometimes the resulting damage (from a slightly painful experience) to our thought process can be repaired just by clearing our head. Go watch a movie, listen to some music and your mind is clear and fresh. The pain is no longer there. But in case the damage is more then we may need the support of our family and trusted friends. For example when one is going through a breakup the support of close friends is most important in making the person feel positive.

There are few incidents, which are so powerful in themselves that they have the power of changing your life, thoughts and destiny within seconds. I call such an incident a 'Stamp of God' on your thought process. Many people may find that they are overwhelmed by the incident. People just collapse. Life doesn't seem worth living. That is when they may need external support. Maybe psychiatric help.

It is also quite true that the only way you can help yourself sometimes is by helping others. Sometimes when you connect with others trying to repair the damage and help them with the rebuilding, you yourself find yourself healing.

There is a big problem with deep psychological damage: it is difficult to repair. It requires taking big steps and often people have trust issues with allowing others (especially psychiatrist) to help them take those steps. They say 'how can I talk to a stranger about this' or 'I don't want this to spread' or 'I don't want so and so to get into trouble because of this'. A statement which I have come across quite often is 'I just don't want to talk about it'.

If you have heard such statements then I can feel your frustration for not being able to help those who you love and care about. But you must remember that while your support is ALWAYS important for them yet everyone deals with the damage differently. Don't let your frustration remove the support that you give to them.

While they may not explicitly show that you are helping them dealing with the damage, your support does mean a lot to them!


Remember... everything changes. While damage due to pain might be extensive... the human nature ensures that it can be repaired fully.

Birth of Happiness and Death of Pain....

Yesterday was a very pleasant day for me. One of my best friends had a baby girl. This is the second time I have been to the Maternity Ward of the local hospital (Southmead, Bristol). First time for a boy, second time for a girl.

As I was standing there thinking about life and how it must feel wonderful to be a father a beautiful thought came to my head (thanks for the beautiful thought Sahara Samay! ;)) I thought that as the new baby girl has come into this world, she has bought happiness to the people around her. She bought a smile to my heart. It was like a bright light illuminating a bombed out house.

My head was full of thoughts after that. I did seem a little lost.

Having studied pain of all kinds over the years, I just feel sometimes that there are few things in the world which can get rid of it. However deep it is, however difficult to bear it may be.

My friend's words ring in my ears as I write this... he said this soon after his son was born: 'even though I have sleepless nights because of the feeding times and then I have to go and work, one look at my sons face after a long and tiring day is enough to bring a smile to my face'.

A child who is without wicked thoughts and with a clean heart is surely more than enough to remove any pain from the system.

I really don't know why I wrote this post. I cannot conclude it. I don't know where it is heading.
This post is supposed to say something.. but I cannot figure out what.

About Sahara Samay (for the curious reader) it is a news channel. This particular news channel makes sure I smile n laugh every time I watch it! So concerned it is, that I smile. :)

For the Anonymous Comment Poster!

I have been trying to figure out for last few days, who this comment poster could be.

There is just one thing I would like to state here... I don't know who you are but I know I am a very open and approachable person.

I will assume you are a decent person with my welfare partly motivating you to write the comments thus as a friend I will give you two pieces of advice:

1) Approach as a friend and not as anonymous (a question of trust!).

2) Establish a friendship and understand the person before trying to help them.

Hope this helps you out in deciding what to do next.

:)

Tears, Emotions and Ants

I am weak
But I am strong
I can use my tears to
Bring you home

Milk by Garbage

These lines move me every time I hear them sung by Shirley Manson. The mental image that I get from these lines is of happiness through sorrow. Coming 'home' is a topic close to my heart. But I wonder can 'tears' truly have the power of bringing one back? In this day and age of the Internet and the Ipod do we make such big decisions based on emotions only? Do emotions come into our daily life at all? Or does 'work' or 'job' form the bottom line for everything?

This shattering of emotions on the hard cold practicalities of modern life is not a good sign. Some people say that what separates humans from animals is the fact that we experience so called 'higher emotions'. These emotions therefore make us human. When we get rid of them for work or some other equally compelling reason, do we reduce ourselves to the level of animals? Kind of like ants who go around building and maintaining their nest, each ant objectively doing its assigned job?

On a different note: I wonder why we don't see some ants just lounging around doing nothing.

I can COOK!

I just realised... cooking is such a powerful ability. The power to feed yourself.
The only thing more powerful is actually growing your own foodstuff and cooking it for yourself!

Whether I am good at it or not, I do not know. Here is an image of mutton, as cooked by me:

Images..

This post is dedicated to special friends... one whom I, probably, gave a sleepless night and another who, I pray to God, never gets another sleepless night in this life.

This post is about images. Few posts ago a friend commented that one of the photos which I had taken and posted on the blog was really amazing.
This followed a discussion with my friend (who got the sleepless night, I think) about how sometimes what is said to you can bring up powerful images in your head.

I started thinking and I realised that while a picture speaks a thousand word, a mental picture is much more powerful. While paintings, photographs and other visual representations of the world have the power to move us a mental image has the power to shake us.

A mental image can haunt us like no other photograph or painting. Often mental images are associated with so many powerful emotions (both good and bad) that they end up sticking with us for life. This is specially difficult for people who can visualise very easily. When they are hearing things about other peoples lives they can draw up mental images as the conversation unfolds.

These images have a power to give us peace as well. Imagine the mental image that comes into your mind when you hear your sweethearts voice coming through a telephone. When that voice is happy you imagine their smiling face. As you imagine that smiling face, you start to smile.
When that voice has pain, you imagine them in pain and you start to feel sad.

Imagine the mental images within a true love story. Imagine the mental images within a true war story. Can you feel your heart going crazy and the smell of smoke in the air?

The power of mental images of course depends on your imagination (as stated before). If you are highly imaginative then you will create powerful mental images. This ability can be an asset as well as a curse.

A few days ago, I was left with such a powerful mental image created out of a phrase... a powerful yet confusing mental image. The image had a lot of pain (Anonymous.. here you go again!) thus it was powerful. But I was confused because the pain was so great that even I couldn't imagine the associated emotions of the person. I couldn't complete the picture. My brain couldn't process how a person would feel under that kind of pain.

That is why I wrote this post. As a tribute to the person who gave me the image and to the person who originally gave that person the image. Confused? Good.

In the end I just knew one thing... It is easier to forget that you have stopped.. than to start moving again.

This is what came to my mind and I posted in then and there. I am repeating it here. I hope people understand what it means. To keep moving is the only way out of the maze of pain in my personal experience.

Another Personal Quote...

It is easier to forget that you have stopped.. than to start moving again.

Would you ever want to move from a place like this?
Taken at Williamstown, Melbourne using my Sony P100.

Me + Girls = Questions

Me + Girls = Questions


Whenever I am talking with people and I am in a normal, relaxed mood, I am full of questions. Curious as a cat I am.

But this habit of mine really comes out when I am with a girl.
Many girls (from REAL close friends to casual acquaintances) have told me I ask a lot of questions.

After a proper analysis I have created a four stage process through which girls progress as they spend more time with me.

Stage 1 - 'Isn't it cute, he asks questions, he is interested in me'

Stage 2 - 'Why does he ask SO many questions?'

Stage 3 - Usage of expressions of frustration and CAPITAL LETTERS (if chatting/emailing).

Stage 4 - 'DUDE STOP ASKING SO MANY F****** QUESTIONS! IT IS DRIVING ME CRAZY!'


Most girls stop at Stage 2. Few move on to Stage 3 and 4. That is when they become my best friends. That is when I stop asking so many questions and they realise I mean no harm!

I am sure many of my friends will have things to say about this post.... especially the ones who have reached Stage 4.

:D

A Quote.. from me to you Mr/Miss/Ms Anonymous

Happiness of today will be burnt to ashes tomorrow.

Think about it.

This picture was taken by me while travelling on the Great Ocean Road, using my Sony P100 camera. The atmosphere of this picture speaks of mystery and great depth.

Rage, rage against the dying of the light!

Do not go gentle into that good night by Dylan Thomas

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.


Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.


Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.


And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Transmission Anthem...

When you never look back to see the light of tomorrow.. it is time for you to reflect, to loose control.

These are not my words. These are words taken from a song (named in the title). How true they are, if you can understand what they mean.

On a different note, does hope always bring expectations? I seem to think so. Then is it not better to be without hope and thus be happy? Where nothing can break the grave like peace/pace of life?

:)

I for one am always hopeful of a peaceful existence and end.

Wales and the effect of beauty...

Nothing beats depression like a trip to Wales. Every time I drive across the Bristol Channel into Wales it is an uplifting experience. Different shades of green and rolling hills. Enough to refresh even a dead soul like mine.
Here are some pictures from my 'day in Wales'. These images were taken in and around the University of Wales: Newport

The main building at the campus. The flag of Wales flying high!

Rolling green fields with clouds and distant hills.

Another view from the campus reception.

Ways to open a door across the decades.

Another shot of the rolling green grass and the lovely contryside.

I have visited Wales under much better circumstances before. On this day I was stressed out. But in the afternoon I got a call. It was a short call (hardly 2-3 minutes long) but it set me free. In the beautiful countryside of Wales I found my release.

I live again.

I breath again.

I smile again.

Thank you god.

(Love) Life in a Metro...

Life in a Metro
Ranking: Normal Pulse Rate (5/10)

The movie tries to put love/relationships against the backdrop of a busy Indian Metro city, in this case Mumbai.

It doesn't come across as anything special. All the stories have been told before. From finding love in the twilight of your life to gay relationships to extra-marital affairs.

In my opinion the movie takes a very narrow view of life in a metro. The view is restricted only to relationships and love. Having been born and brought up in a metro I know what a big struggle daily life can be.

After keeping such a generic title I would have hoped they would have taken a wider view to life in a metro. Shown the daily struggle of the common man, how people and relationships break down under this strain. Shown how the economic divide is highlighted in a metro where you have slums couple of hundred yards away from a five star super-luxury hotel.
They could have shown how these two worlds meet. The way it was tried in 'Traffic Signal'.

The part that really felt fake was the three singers crooning on the streets of Mumbai after every other scene. Life in a metro is not about singers singing sad songs of lost love and trial of life. Life in a metro is about facing the hard heat, dust and pollution of day to day life. The long working hours and time wasted sitting in a traffic jam.

The movie fails to show how life in a metro actually affects the people living there.

The plus points are that my darling Kangana Ranaut is looking super cute. She looks much better with 'straight hair falling to her shoulders' look than with the wavy hair look she gave in Woh Lamhe.

Shilpa Shetty is looking like a mango with all the pulp taken out. Maybe she had been starving herself to go in for Big Brother...

Konkona Sen-Sharma is wasted in the movie. The script didn't have any scope for her to show her talents. I wonder why she always seems to end up chasing gay men...

On the whole.. go watch it once if you like these kinds of 'non-mainstream' movies or you are just plain damn bored of watching a regular 'song dance and tears' movie and looking for something different.

Conversations at Heathrow...

Last Monday I went to one of the most fascinating places on Earth (in my humble opinion): Heathrow Airport.

I was at Terminal 3 to see off my housemate and friend. He was going back to India forever.

It is always an emotional moment when people are leaving UK forever. People with whom you have shared the best and worst of times. In my 4-5 years here in UK I have gone to Heathrow to see off people only 5 times.

This is the first time I have seen someone off on my own. All other times there were people with me. So this time I was all alone after leaving my friend. All alone on the bus ride back to Bristol.

To be honest, this time I enjoyed the most. This time the emptyness was complete. The pain was minimum. This time there was no hope. No expectations.

I was sleeping most of the way back. Got down at Bristol and like a robot made my way back home in the rain.


The reason I find Heathrow fascinating is because you see all kinds of people there doing all kinds of stuff! Well dressed people rushing to catch shuttle flights to continental European, parents dragging their kids behind them attempting to catch their budget flights to Dubai and Egypt. The sexy looking cabin crew girls all decked out whatever time of the day or night, reporting for their flights. It is all there... the drama of human life. Peoplewatching at Heathrow is always a fascinating experience.

A visit to Heathrow is also like looking through the windows of a prison cell into the world outside. You know that your loved ones are just an 8 hour flight away. You see people clutching their tickets, queing in front of the check in desk. Their minds are already at their destinations. You see a quick smile, a twinkle in the eye and an air of expectation. If a person is looking dull and sleepy you can be sure they are travelling on business!

As all this was happening around me and my friend we started talking about the past. Mostly about the people we met and my friend was talking about his experiences in UK. What we realised was that you never can really understand a person because circumstances determine how people react. It is only will power and morals which prevent a person from bending to the circumstances. Unfortunately only a few people in our combined experience, seemed to have the required willpower and morals to stand up to circumstances. Rest all changed like anything depending on circumstances.

In the end maybe it is all about life. The way Heathrow airport is a place where you can see life flowing like water around you, maybe the same way circumstances are flowing around us in our respective lives. Some people get swept away in the flow and some people manage to fight it.
The same way some people get swept up into the crowd at Heathrow and vanish through the departure gates into their waiting flights.. perhaps never to return.. and others surface through this flow of life and head back towards the coast, all alone.

:)

Snapshots of Delhi.. a few lasting memories...

This is not USA! This is a market in the diplomatic area of Delhi (Malcha Marg)

A rainy, winter afternoon at the Orchid

An evening at Plaza (C.P.). Water on my mind! Lisa Ray is looking amazing in the movie. Although I was there to see Nishabd.

A full Punjabi dinner, neatly packaged!

Return to UK

Whenever I return to UK via Heathrow, the first thing that strikes me is the strange 'anti-septic' smell. Its there all over the airport. It reminds me I am back in UK.

Everything appears neater and cleaner. A bit more organised. The press of people waiting to 'meet and greet' arriving passengers is the same as you see in India. But then the number of people around you starts reducing. Pretty soon you are out of the terminal and, if it is evening, it feels as if you have arrived not in London (the largest city in the world) but a small village in the middle of nowhere.

As you move towards the bus terminal, still lost in thoughts of home, feeling dazed and a bit confused (after the long flight) it starts sinking in that the air is cleaner, colder and crisper.

Then you enter the bus and lean back in your seat. The bus starts, you lean back to stare out of the window. You see bright green fields (if it is morning) or dark countryside dotted with patches of light (if it is night). The one thing that really impresses me when on the motorway, are the big articulated rigs driving cross country, mainting the efficient British supply chain.

All the trucks look clean and bright. Their powerful headlights stabbing the darkness of the motorway.

As I enter Bristol, the one landmark I always look out for is the Eastville 24 hour TESCO which is right beside the M32 motorway (which is used by the bus to reach Bristol city centre).

That is my home coming.

24 hour TESCO with all the security and dependability of an old friend.