Do you agree?

Do you agree?
"only with love u can feel real sexuality"

Is sex without love really not that good? Do you really need to make love and not just have raw sex?
I think sex without love is like pizza without toppings.
:D

I Love it when..

Arti says:
well
Losing my sanity says:
well :D
Losing my sanity says:
?
Arti says: :D
you are stupid
Arti says: :D
Arti says:
happy
Losing my sanity says:
hehehehe
Losing my sanity says:
yes yes :D VERY!

Shaadi.com

The meds must be making me crazy.
I actually spent 2 hours going through profiles (of girls) at Shaadi.com (matrimonial site) having a good laugh at my own foolishness. I was looking at girls from Bristol. But the REALLY SCARY bit was when I nearly put up my own profile on Shaadi.com. I thought the registration form was for.. well.. registration purposes only. But when I found myself filling a textbox labeled as 'About yourself' I realized what I was actually doing. I was creating a profile on Shaadi.com. For a second I thought about going ahead and putting my profile on the site. Just for fun even!

But then I got scared. What if I actually GOT a response. That nearly made me pee in my pajamas.

Most people say that they 'invite trouble on themselves'.
I have this habit of first inviting trouble and then following up the invitation with a phone call to ensure that indeed trouble is on its way.

But my trawl through the site wasn't all useless. Maybe picked up some interesting nuggets. ;)
Luck beats data-mining any day.

Me and Vibhore at NRI day. 

Hello / Goodbye

I am back in Bristol after an eventful 50 odd days in India.
Lots of new things happened. I explored some long forgotten rooms of my heart. Rebuilt some old connections and strengthened the new ones.

The time of switch-over from New Delhi to Bristol is always a tough one for me. I always end up feeling really sad and depressed because I know the next time I go home another year would have passed.
Maybe this year I will go back home for good? After all this is the final year of my Ph.D.
I end up thinking always that I am a very fragile person. A smallest vibration can shake me to pieces.
A friend of mine talked about motivation.
What is that one thing which gets you out of your bed on a day you wake up wishing you were dead?
What motivates you then?

I think its a combination of two things. Firstly the thoughts and blessings of the people who truly love you. Secondly the more primitive instinct to survive against all odds.
While blessings set the stage for you, its up to the primitive instincts to make you want to grab that sword and wade into the battlefield that is Life.

Blessings help us when we are wounded on the battlefield of Life. It helps us when we have been seperated from our mates. When we are surrounded. It helps us when we die on this battlefield since on a battlefield Death is never far.
Death here means failure.
When we are sent back to the healing room to be revived.

To re-enter the melee.
To fight on.

Lost all I had..

... and the search continues.
I think of myself as a traveller on the road of life. For me the road has no value. My own life has no value. Only two things matter. The people I meet on this road and the things I see.

And I move on. People forget me. But I remember them, if not today then tomorrow I WILL remember them. Always moving.

I dont wear boots but my heart does collect a lot of emotional dust. I meet someone on the way and I give them some of my load. Hope they can grow something out of it. Maybe my emotions will allow a few flowers to bloom in the desert.

My job is to remove pain from the world. For that I must keep moving. Must keep on seeking the pain. Seek it in others. Remove it and then move on.

Moving on is a must. No one wants to remember their pain. No one wants to remember those who helped them get rid of it. No one likes to be reminded that they too were once weak.

Thus I keep wandering. Taking pain and turning it into fertile earth. Keep on moving.. in an endless desert. Creating oasis as I move.

Abundance (A-C) VS Art (A-D).

WHO DO I LOVE?

WHICH PART DO I TAKE?

A hazy sunset at Noida 

My night @ the call center.

No I have not gone and spent a night at one of the many call centers that now litter the Indian countryside.
Last night I couldn't sleep so I picked up this book by Chetan Bhagat titled 'One night @ the call center'.
I managed to run through the book in one night. Sorry to diverge slightly at this point but one needs to appreciate the improvement in the quality (content as well as presentation) of books published in India. Thankfully the publisher kept the font size big throughout the book thus my tired eyes could continue reading for 4-5 hours continuously.

I put down this book with mixed emotions struggling for supremacy within me. The thing which I found odd about this book was its ending. I don't mean the last scene in the train. But the last scene at the signal. It sounded like something seen in a Hollywood rom-com (that's romantic comedy). The final ending, though, is a classical 180 degree twist ending and one can't complain about it.

The book itself is gripping and fast. More than that if you have the right mix of voyeurism and curiosity in you, the book will keep you entertained with a whole lot of predictable twists and turns through the story. Such things (don't want to spoil the twists) must surely happen to real people since we hear about them everyday through friends, family and the media.

Out of the six main characters (3 males, 3 females) I am sure everyone (especially those living in Delhi) will be able to pick a favourite one, the one who they feel closest to. Maybe because we have seen someone going through similar problems, someone we care(d) about? Or maybe we ourselves went through the same set of problems.

Initially I had some problems digesting the 'call from god' bit. But then again as the author suggests its better to take a risk and crash rather than sit in your comfort zone and just exist.
I compliment the author on taking this risk.

Finally the author raises a valid point about who is really holding the leash when it comes to Call Centers and BPOs. It is a messy and debatable topic but one thing is clear. Call centers are the modern digital sweat shops where you don't 'sweat' since it is centrally air-conditioned. You pay the price of a good nights rest and a meaningless existence leading only to a sum of money at the end of the month.

But maybe this view is not correct. Maybe people want the cocoon of a sum of money at the end of the month and see call center jobs as proper careers? Will need to talk to someone about this.

:)

UPDATE:
Have spoken to a friend of mine who works at a call center.
According to her around 20% of her co-workers think of a call center job as a long term career.
At the same time another friend of mine who has worked for a call center said working there made you feel as if "you were a dog tied to a post with a headset instead of a leash".

What is in a Ph.D.

Everytime people get to know that I am doing a Ph.D. they ask me what it is about.
I have to sugar-coat my replies when in reality I want to just hand them one of my published papers and say something like "thats what its about, if you understand it then please explain it to me also".

I think if anything Ph.D. teaches you patience. Because sometimes I feel Ph.D. is all about waiting (or learning to wait!).
Waiting for your papers to be accepted or rejected.
Waiting for your supervisor.
Waiting to get results.

Ph.D. is like meditation. One has to be cool and calm and realise that a Ph.D. will last for minimum three years.
The three years of introspection and being alone in your work does give you tremendous confidence. On good days I feel like an eagle soaring high above everyone else.

But on bad days its difficult even to get out of bed.
:)

Want VS Need

All big questions can be resolved into a problem of Wants VS Needs.
If you are in love with more than one girl then decide which girl you want and which girl you need. Always go after the one you want. Because needs are dictated by the brain.
Needs are practical. You need food, water and air. You need to sleep.

Love is anything BUT practical. Love goes against everything practical. Imagine if Romeo had been 'practical'. The story would have ended by Romeo ignoring Juliet coz he knew it just wasn't
practical for them to fall for each other.

Therefore when you fall in love go after the girl you want and not the girl(s) you need.

On a lighter note I was taking tips from a friend of mine on how to woo this one girl and here is what she said:

honey_blossom0: actually if i woo her i have better chances than u

The scary thing is... she might be right! :D

This was sent to me by a close friend.  

Me and Vaibhav 

Left to Right: Vaibhav, Vibhore and Adesh at the Intercontinental.  

What is love?

On Monday (09/01/2006) I was asked if I know what the word 'love' means.

My first thought was 'looks like you don't read my blogs' coz sometimes it feels that I am not doing a Ph.D. in Evolutionary Computing (yawn!) but in Love, Life and Relationships (sort of like a triple doctorate).

But I just answered "Yes I do".

I do know the meaning of love. Love is Sacrifice. Love is giving your lover freedom. Love is not wanting.
Love... exists... it doesnt need to be... created.

Monkey!

Whos the monkey! Me and Arti at Stone Lounge.

It was an evening of bloody mary(s) and long island iced tea(s). Of things shared about the past.
It was a time of new beginnings and forging of bonds.
An evening of 'confidence building measures' through 'retained questions' which were answered to increase the 'synergy'.

Maa Chandidevi Temple at Haridwar

View of the city of Haridwar from Maa Chandidevi temple (one of the most ancient temples of north India!)

Click for more info about the temple.

Another view of the temple: Taken from my p910 phone while dangling on the ropeway.

Long distance view from Mr. Butkar's terrace (long live ZOOM+IS).

Feeling happy!

Someone once told me that I post all my personal problems on this blog.
I know I love whining about love (and not having it) but its not my personal problem (hehehe its PUBLIC KNOWLEDGE!). But I have learned to play around with depression so nicely that I could almost be a poet!

Without flowers of love in my garden,
there is a steady rain of death.

The tears of pain blind me,
will the darkness ever end for me.

There is no one, near or far,
just me and my heart.

Yet Life goes on,
marching down the Road of Death, Loss and Broken Emotions.

Flower Power

This is the ultimate symbol of opulence in north India.
I am not talking about the old model merc. I am talking about the old model merc. decorated with flowers.
A car is decorated in this way when it is being used to carry a newly wedded couple (still fresh from the marriage ceremony ;) away to the place where (hopefully) they will spend their first night together as husband and wife.

If you carry away your new wife in a car like merc. then you will surely leave a few hanging jaws both at the venue of the wedding and on the road (like mine). One can imagine the kind of gal who would be riding in a car like this... she surely must be a complete package!
I can hear people telling me never judge a book by its cover but whatever happened to the good old license to day-dream! :D

I took this picture (on the highway) while returning from Amritsar. This car was our 'travelling companion' for a long time.

Over a cup of coffee...

Yesterday (1st January) was a busy day for me. I slept at 6 am got up at 12pm. Went to meet a friend and his wife-to-be. Afterwards went for a cup of coffee with a girl and a guy. A very interesting cup of coffee, it turned out to be.

The logical question is... what is so special about a cup of coffee with few regular people?

Quite a few things as it turned out.
Firstly please notice that my capucino was served in a hot-chocolate mug.
Secondly, the girl (only left hand visible) was looking stunning (or I am a bad judge of beauty).
Thirdly, the guy sitting towards the right turned out to be someone worth knowing and respecting.

But more than that what was most singular was that how a small cup (mug) of coffee can change your life. It can make you fall in love. It can give you a sense of victory. I dont enjoy winning. I win all too often. But when as a prize you are given love the victory becomes even sadder.

I also realised while sipping the cup, how different I myself was from the other two people (not only coz I was drinking capucino from a mug). How the guy and the girl represented intensity and solidity and how I represented a house of cards which will fall down at the slightest disturbance.

People tell me I need to 'introspect'. I think they are wrong. I dont think I need to look inside me... I think I need to look outside. This is what I realised over my coffee.

So next time you fine people are having a cup of whatever with your friends I would encourage you to step inside yourself and then look outside... you never know what you discover when you do this.

Wreath of Barbs says:
i tell u i really enjoy these convos of ours!
abha says:
why
Wreath of Barbs says:
coz 'its different'
abha says:
oh ok
abha says:
u r wierd
Wreath of Barbs says:
thanks so r u
abha says:
im not
abha says:
im perfectly normal

Its confirmed now... another girl has said the words I love to hear!
No no not 'I love you' but 'u r weird'.

:D
Is this a good sign or a bad one? I am not sure.. but for some reason its made me really happy!