A new friend is introducing a kind of life I have never seen. Being settled outside the house. Belonging to some place. Belonging without any conditions.
Why do I remember things I have forgotten.
I always imgine myself wandering all over the world with the image of that one special person in my heart. I know the day I have that person I will be able to do anything and go anywhere by just keeping that image in my mind.
Till today my heart has been a one way road. Things keep going in but very few things are allowed out. This will change one day. Soon I hope.
When will I get that image to make me complete? When I will stride forth into the world.
Look up to the sky and see not the cold and empty stars but a face, an image.
Me in Mussourie (all the girls my email is in the profile!) 
While uploading this image a friend was reading poetry to me.
And for a second it felt I was transported back to the mountains which you can see in the picture above.
;)
I wish travel were that easy and cheap! Want to travel just listen to poetry.
For something so fundamentally positive.. love does have its dark side. It is responsible for making more than one set of friends mortal enemies. Love is responsible for the dissappearance of countless civilizations into the sands of time.
Maybe I am drunk but suddenly love seems a very dangerous thing for me!
My return trip from New Delhi to London:
-- Night in Mumbai: Hotel Intercontinental, Sahar
a strange strange transition from fucked up to freaked out.. all thanks to AIR INDIAjust one flight left for the transition to be completed.. back to bristol.this is one trip i am going to remember for a long time.I have calculated the exact duration of my time left here: 782 days and counting down.I think i will be much more happier in india..but this year i need to make another transition... from internal home friendship to external friendships.internal friendships are getting screwed up.. will write more later if able coz food is here...
after a full stomach i am back..as i was saying as long as i have friends.. one woman among them and others male.people say it true a woman can wipe away a thousand tears without getting her hands wet.she helped me sleep the night i knew i would get no sleep...
-- Return to Bristol
On the flight as I looked down on the land below from 40,000 feet up I was remembering the first flight out to UK with my batch mates. It was a Kuwait Airways flight out from Kuwait City to London. I was sitting behind Mantosh and we both had window seats. As our plane flew over Central Europe we saw flat fields sprinkled with snow looking like sugar icing on a cake. Then the great nightmare adventure began which is still going. The people have changed the situation has changed. But I am determined to have fun.
Now I am determined not to give in to this.. to be strong.
Me in India having fun with my friends and a glass of beer! :)
Pic taken on 26th December 2004 at Taj Palace Hotel, New Delhi, India
Time to head back home to UK.
To leave this land and head back over the water into that cold waste.
I have felt like I have been exiled from India. But once I am back in UK it feels good. I am fortunate enough to get this chance.
As they say more things change more they remain the same. Maybe change is like a periodic function which comes back to the same value.
No Regrets...
Incomplete
by Azahar Machwe (written on 15th Nov. 2002)
I am incomplete
Like a mirror without a frame
A sword without edge
Looking for a soul, to have a connection
Finding nothing but rejection
I am so incomplete
Without something to keep me
Looking for the touch, the feel
to kiss the one for me
Only thing I feel is empty and weak.
I am incomplete without you
Looking for the light, someone to guide
Open faces everywhere
Closed hearts all of them hide
Finding the key, the salvation for me.
Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening
- by Robert Frost
Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.
My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.
He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.
The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
http://www.ketzle.com/frost/
Check it out... Robert Frost knew what he was talking about.
She is a strong force in my life... sort of like the piston in the engine.
Whenever I am down she reminds me that I am her special Loser. :) It cheers me up.
Here is one to you Mel!
:)
Just like cars use disk breaks and planes air breaks to reduce speed the same way I need something to reduce the speed of my love.
I think if you travel at 120 kmph in a 60 kmph zone then you are bound to have an accident.. unless you have Batman's car and the luck of 007.
I have neither. So how to apply breaks to the feeling of love? Especially when the other side is just not ready for it. Infact I wish the otherside finds someone else.. it will be easier to deal with the loss than breaking love...
These thoughts of love have so eclipsed my thinking that these days I dont feel alone even when I am alone. Just with these thoughts alone I could wander all alone for my remaining days.
She doesnt deserve a loser like me, she has had a tough enough time already. She needs someone who will be here with her.
A friend of mine asked me how do you know that you are in love... its very simple.. when you dont feel alone even if you are all alone in a strange place. When whatever bad happens just the thought of that person being alive and well brings a smile to your face and makes all your problems look small. Just like a bright sunny day.
Last night (Sunday, 26th December 2004) was one of the best days of my life. Devoted entirely to friends. In the morning my old friend Alok came over to spend the day. Then I spoke in the afternoon to the only girl I can truly call friend. In the evening my two worlds of Amity and Vibhore met.
Thus me, Vibhore, Varun, Deepak, Mantosh, Adesh and Vaibhav all went out first to Maurya (Bukhara) and when we couldnt find a table there to Taj (right alongside it).
At Taj we went to the Masala Art which had enough place to seat 50 people and yet the maitre de made a fuss to find place for 7 people. We managed to make the place smoking even though it was supposed to be non-smoking. Money is the key to all doors! Amazing.
Then the meal began and we had the time of our life. With Adesh teasing Deepak and recounting the story of how I lost my virginity. We had a nice time and it was one night that I would never forget.
Vibhore and Vaibhav then went away, I went with Amity gang to India gate and had an ice cream there. Then we dropped Suri and then me.
Now I am writing this blog sitting in my bed.
I was all wonderful except that I was looking weird and a cat came under our car when we were coming back. :( poor kitty.
I wonder why the kitty had a deathwish to cross a road with fast moving cars running on it.
Last night I had a dream.
In the dream someone close to me asked me a question.
A question so difficult that I did not have an answer for it.
I did not have smart words to avoid it. I just got very scared. I had been dreaming of such a question and had imagined all sorts or answers to it.
But when it finally came all of those imagined answers fell short of answering the question.
Life is not really complex at all. I just realised that yesterday. The more selfish you are the less complicated it is. But it is very difficult for me to be selfish. Infact I end up putting myself below the other person. That is why it was difficult for me to answer the question.
:)
I went for a tarot card reading on Monday. The results surprised even me.
The lady told me that I tend to get involved in triangles in all my relationships and I should seperate them out.
Two relations one with mixed feelings backed with a lot energy the other with a definate result with a creative but confused person.
Now how to seperate out something as complex as love? This is going to be an interesting challenge for me.
I always have this dream...
I am standing in front of this tall iron fence like the one in front of Buckingham Palace.
There is a large pool or lake in front of the fence with a stone walkway seperating the lake or pool in two equal rectangular sections.
There is a large European style stone building with columns in the distance beyond the pools.
That is where the walkway is leading to.
There are other people standing with me in front of the fence looking at the building.
I am carrying a backpack and some other equipment like a tourist.
Everyone is staring at the building including me. Then I grow tired and decide to move on.
I then enter a very formal looking dining room where they give me a table for two. I put down my backpack and feel relaxed. Feel as if I am in control.
I feel 'complete'.
"Pisces can give you the impression of being submissive but, in reality, often is a devious maneuver"
Pisceans are the best.
The last 24 hours have been the most amazing.
Two major things have happened in my life and one major thing has happened in the life of my Blog.
About the two major things.. lets say one involved being bull headed about something and going through with it.. even though I knew it was not the right way to go about it.
The second one was about letting someone know that I care about them... by avoiding them.
Confused?
Good.
In the life of my Blog, I got my first comment today. The person seems like minded but hasnt commented on my stuff.. which I found strange.
:)
But as they say all journeys start with a single step which includes friendship.
Rotiroro and I have not been friends for long.
Yet I see a lot of what I was, in her.
If she does take the unbeaten path, if life does push her then she will achieve what only very few can imagine.
Also it is said that sometimes in life you need to do things without thinking... just coz they need to be done.
I am going to do two such things today. Because they need to be done. In doing them I hope I discover a part of me which I thought to be dead.
Maybe I discover love?
Who knows....
