Incomplete

Incomplete
by Azahar Machwe (written on 15th Nov. 2002)

I am incomplete
Like a mirror without a frame
A sword without edge
Looking for a soul, to have a connection
Finding nothing but rejection

I am so incomplete
Without something to keep me
Looking for the touch, the feel
to kiss the one for me
Only thing I feel is empty and weak.

I am incomplete without you
Looking for the light, someone to guide
Open faces everywhere
Closed hearts all of them hide
Finding the key, the salvation for me.

Robert Frost Poem 2

THE ROAD NOT TAKEN

-by Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Robert Frost Poem 1

Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening
- by Robert Frost

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.
My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.
He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.
The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

Robert Frost

http://www.ketzle.com/frost/

Check it out... Robert Frost knew what he was talking about.

Melissa the Goth Princess

She is a strong force in my life... sort of like the piston in the engine.
Whenever I am down she reminds me that I am her special Loser. :) It cheers me up.
Here is one to you Mel!
:)

Love Break

Just like cars use disk breaks and planes air breaks to reduce speed the same way I need something to reduce the speed of my love.
I think if you travel at 120 kmph in a 60 kmph zone then you are bound to have an accident.. unless you have Batman's car and the luck of 007.
I have neither. So how to apply breaks to the feeling of love? Especially when the other side is just not ready for it. Infact I wish the otherside finds someone else.. it will be easier to deal with the loss than breaking love...
These thoughts of love have so eclipsed my thinking that these days I dont feel alone even when I am alone. Just with these thoughts alone I could wander all alone for my remaining days.
She doesnt deserve a loser like me, she has had a tough enough time already. She needs someone who will be here with her.
A friend of mine asked me how do you know that you are in love... its very simple.. when you dont feel alone even if you are all alone in a strange place. When whatever bad happens just the thought of that person being alive and well brings a smile to your face and makes all your problems look small. Just like a bright sunny day.

The one that didnt make it....

Last night (Sunday, 26th December 2004) was one of the best days of my life. Devoted entirely to friends. In the morning my old friend Alok came over to spend the day. Then I spoke in the afternoon to the only girl I can truly call friend. In the evening my two worlds of Amity and Vibhore met.
Thus me, Vibhore, Varun, Deepak, Mantosh, Adesh and Vaibhav all went out first to Maurya (Bukhara) and when we couldnt find a table there to Taj (right alongside it).
At Taj we went to the Masala Art which had enough place to seat 50 people and yet the maitre de made a fuss to find place for 7 people. We managed to make the place smoking even though it was supposed to be non-smoking. Money is the key to all doors! Amazing.

Then the meal began and we had the time of our life. With Adesh teasing Deepak and recounting the story of how I lost my virginity. We had a nice time and it was one night that I would never forget.

Vibhore and Vaibhav then went away, I went with Amity gang to India gate and had an ice cream there. Then we dropped Suri and then me.
Now I am writing this blog sitting in my bed.
I was all wonderful except that I was looking weird and a cat came under our car when we were coming back. :( poor kitty.
I wonder why the kitty had a deathwish to cross a road with fast moving cars running on it.

Dreams.. contd.

Last night I had a dream.
In the dream someone close to me asked me a question.
A question so difficult that I did not have an answer for it.
I did not have smart words to avoid it. I just got very scared. I had been dreaming of such a question and had imagined all sorts or answers to it.
But when it finally came all of those imagined answers fell short of answering the question.

Life is not really complex at all. I just realised that yesterday. The more selfish you are the less complicated it is. But it is very difficult for me to be selfish. Infact I end up putting myself below the other person. That is why it was difficult for me to answer the question.
:)

Seperation of Triangles

I went for a tarot card reading on Monday. The results surprised even me.
The lady told me that I tend to get involved in triangles in all my relationships and I should seperate them out.
Two relations one with mixed feelings backed with a lot energy the other with a definate result with a creative but confused person.

Now how to seperate out something as complex as love? This is going to be an interesting challenge for me.

Dreams

I always have this dream...
I am standing in front of this tall iron fence like the one in front of Buckingham Palace.
There is a large pool or lake in front of the fence with a stone walkway seperating the lake or pool in two equal rectangular sections.
There is a large European style stone building with columns in the distance beyond the pools.
That is where the walkway is leading to.

There are other people standing with me in front of the fence looking at the building.
I am carrying a backpack and some other equipment like a tourist.
Everyone is staring at the building including me. Then I grow tired and decide to move on.
I then enter a very formal looking dining room where they give me a table for two. I put down my backpack and feel relaxed. Feel as if I am in control.
I feel 'complete'.

Something Fishy

"Pisces can give you the impression of being submissive but, in reality, often is a devious maneuver"

Pisceans are the best.

Out of the Blue and into the Black!

The last 24 hours have been the most amazing.
Two major things have happened in my life and one major thing has happened in the life of my Blog.
About the two major things.. lets say one involved being bull headed about something and going through with it.. even though I knew it was not the right way to go about it.
The second one was about letting someone know that I care about them... by avoiding them.
Confused?
Good.

In the life of my Blog, I got my first comment today. The person seems like minded but hasnt commented on my stuff.. which I found strange.
:)
But as they say all journeys start with a single step which includes friendship.

Rotiroro and Love!

Rotiroro and I have not been friends for long.
Yet I see a lot of what I was, in her.
If she does take the unbeaten path, if life does push her then she will achieve what only very few can imagine.
Also it is said that sometimes in life you need to do things without thinking... just coz they need to be done.
I am going to do two such things today. Because they need to be done. In doing them I hope I discover a part of me which I thought to be dead.
Maybe I discover love?
Who knows....

A Bird in Hand...

I was talking about the old saying 'A bird in hand is worth two in the bush'

Now that I have a bird in hand I am thinking about the two in the bush. Whether to go after them or not.
Is that a general tendency or something weirdly special about me?
Life is just getting to be more complicated and I am loving it!

Pisces - Dual Fish Power!

I am a piscean. This sign is represented by two fish tied together by their tails.
This is a very good description of the Piscean mindset.
Pisceans are supposed to be indecisive... this is their biggest weakness. Thats when the two fish are fighting each other, pulling in different directions.
At the other end Pisceans are also supposed to be highly imaginative, often surpassing other signs in the depth and width of their imagination. Thats when the two fish are swimming in one direction.
Thus we either have
- no progress <- ->
or
- progress at twice the speed -> ->

Amazing isnt it? I guess the people who kept the representations for signs knew what their business!

Square Roots..

I am back in New Delhi.. my home since the day I was born.
Even though I have been in UK for the last 2 years my heart is still here in New Delhi.
I will always dream of settling back here after 3-5 years.
Maybe this dream will come true or maybe I will just keep visiting every year in December.

As they say 'more things change, more they remain the same', thats the case with New Delhi.
Things are improving.. I mean I am using broadband internet which is faster than what I have back in UK (and also cheaper!). But somethings are still the same. People will still do things to make money. Not caring about that little thing which is valued the most around the world.. the little thing called 'self-respect'. India is a great nation but a great percentage of its people lack 'self-respect'.

Still, setting these small things aside, it feels great to be back home.
Now I have to plot some plots... stir up some stuff.. and generally make this short 20 day trip memorable!

Shift_Expectations

I have been pretty busy over the past few days.
It always is the same story. Just before I am to leave for India things become very hectic with a hundred things all looming up at once!
The last few days have been the most fascinating in my life.
Things which were going from bad to worse suddenly improved like anything... and a girl admitted that she liked me and maybe even loved me. This all happened through a mixture of courage and love. Courage to stand up for what is right and love to ensure confrontations resulted in something productive and not just another fight.

With my gear all spread out over the room and begging to be left behind (!) I am feeling strangely dull. Maybe it has something to do with only having slept 5-6 hours during the last two days.

Courage and Love..

I question whether it takes courage to admit your love.
Maybe sometimes you just feel comfortable in admitting your love when you really dont feel any love at all. It is almost as if admitting it will convince you that you are actually in love!
I may be wrong though.
The women in my life are all very courageous though... and I admire them for it.
I know they will always admit their love for me even when I am hesitant to do so.

Greatness... and Advantages of Coding!

Another trip to Cribbs Causeway (third in three days!) and another discussion with my friend on topics ranging from coding software to achieving greatness...
We somehow managed to link the two.
Coding is one of the very few 'arcane' arts left. It is directly related to how in the ancient times learned scholars used to spend entire lives pouring over manuscript after manuscript detailing rituals and spells to appease one kind of God or another. In return the God would grant them special favours and perform miracles.
In the modern day, computer programmers are the new scholars and computer the new God.
We have equally thick tomes on the different ways the simple grey box sitting on (or under) your desk can be coaxed and appeased to perform miracles!
Be it downloading your favourite music through illegal (ha ha!) means or chatting to your buddy 6 timezones away (when you should actually be working!).
Indeed to call yourself a 'coder' requires years of diligent worship. Thousands of hours spent slouching over the keyboard staring into the face of the new God waiting for a sign.

So the question remains.. can we achieve greatness through 'coding'?
I think not. Coding gives you the kind of tunnel vision which is helpful when you are looking at a problem from a point of view of finding an absolute solution. It is totally useless when you want to soak in the problem and examine all its aspects. This requires more abstract thinking and cannot be codified.
Ask a good designer how he designs... he will say it is common sense and 'creativity'. In other words this means he has no idea how he designs, he just knows that it involves common sense.

Love!

People say love is blind... love may be blind but I think it uses some alternate sensing technique which goes way beyond what our eyes can see... something like what bats use except much much more penetrating.

Shakespear says:
"Romeo, Romeo! wherefore art thou Romeo?"
"Deny thy father and refuse thy name;"
"Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love,"
"And I'll no longer be a Capulet"

- Romeo and Juliet, Act 2, Sc. 2

Looking at the intensity of the above I realised that the person who is able to control 'love' at the emotional or neural or bio-chemical level, will indeed be a very powerful man. After all doesnt everyone have that one special person in their past who they wish had 'loved' them? Havent we all wished once in our life that we had a 'love potion' (bio-chemical level) or we could 'hypnotize' (neural level) the person into falling in love with us.
And how many of us have tried the emotional approach of trying to, one way or the other, make the person in question fall for us with no success?

The Second Step

This is the second entry... feeling pretty relaxed today...
One of my good friends is here.. and we have been having discussions about the various merits of .NET and Java.
I just wonder if Sun Microsystems and Microsoft work together what the result would be?
HA HA.. total failure I bet... because they say that competition is necessary to drive people to perform.
Plus 'variety is the spice of life...'

The First One!

This is the first post.. and as great men have said much before my time.. "a journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step"..
so this is the first step..
Now that the first step is taken.. doesnt feel all that special!
The trick is to find something worthwhile to post in the future!