Everyone has something that they fear the most... what I call a pet fear. Something which doesnt bother them outright like the fear of heights for example. A pet fear is something more subtle.. something which not only does not bother us outright but we also dont like talking about so we keep it at the back of our mind, tucked away somewhere in the deep unconscious part of our mind.
We only think about it when we know that we will be able to deal with it.
The reason we are so comfortable with it is because either we have learned to deal with it or we know that this particular fear will never translate into reality.
My pet fear is of never finding love till it is too late and then having regrets all my remaining life.
Some might say it is never to late to find love. I tell them that everything has a shelf life. Even emotions start rotting if they are kept locked up for a long time... even if you have kept them in the deep freeze of your mind.
For a person who has not felt love for say 30+ years, how difficult would it be to recognise true love and to react to it. That is what I ask you. Would the other person have patience enough to allow the person to figure out how to react. To give them time and space to seperate out what they thought they would do when the found true love with what is actually possible?
Sometimes that can be the biggest downer when you fall in love. The love story which played inside your mind all your life.. well, real life is not even remotely like that. And if it is.. then you must surely thank your lucky stars.
While I am not quite 30+ yet (still 24) my emotions have not soured up as yet. I have learned to manage this fear. If by some turn of events I do end up alone once I am more than 35 then I have made a promise to myself to devote myself completely to the only thing I can think of.. myself.
Some people tell me to stop acting desperate. If they think I am being desperate (and mostly they are right) then that is what I am. Sad but true.
Many times I have come across strong friendships in life. Strong friendships with the opposite sex which have just stopped beyond love for some strange reason or the other. Sometimes the friendships have gone on to become real good ones. But the element of love has only made a brief appearance much like a 'guest star' in a Friends episode. Girls as they come close to me get some strange vibes which kind of puts them off me. Maybe this vibe is the vibe of desperation? Maybe it is the vibe of being weak and indecisive (I will never seriously say 'I love you' first)? Maybe it is just the vibe of being a Piscean ;).
God only knows what it exactly is. One thing I do know though and that is, the day a girl is not scared of the vibe and still comes close to me... and says 'I love you Azahar'. That day I will be complete.. for that small blip in time, I will be complete. My days of wandering will be over and I will be home.
Though, if that moment in time never comes.. then I shall wander all my life till the day God sees fit to give me eternal peace under his (her?) gentle gaze.
:)
A.
I think sometimes a lonely road can bring you more peace than a room full of friends.
Over the past few days I have felt down in the dumps.. there have been days when nothing has worked.. and there will be days in the near future when again nothing will work. But I realised that this time I could handle it. I had resolved the panic. It was there at the bottom of my stomach... and it still is. But it is in control. No longer in control of me.
This has again led me to believe that however bleak your situation might seem... there are always things you can do to improve it. So even if you are surrounded by Antlions (Half Life 2) and just have couple of shotgun rounds left... or if you are running from a Cyberdeamon (Doom 2) with your health down to 10%, with no where to hide... or if in the plain old real world ur screwed with your back against the wall... dont panic.. think things through and you shall prevail. And if the panic is so bad that your brain shuts down.. then stop thinking and go with your instincts till your brain kicks back in.
Another anecdote from INDO-US 'friendship' story.. (from www.businessworldindia.com):
Americans have always put a high premium on style in their dealings with foreign leaders. Rukmini Menon, who was joint secretary in charge of Americas in the Ministry of External Affairs during Kissinger's visit to India in 1971, in a failed attempt to douse the flames of Bangladesh liberation, recalls how the German-American diplomat famous for his intellect tried to downplay substance when he met defence minister Jagjivan Ram, who was preparing for war in East Pakistan. Kissinger had extended an invitation to Ram to visit Washington in the hope that the gesture would win him over. It did not impress Ram, and Kissinger was speechless when the defence minister responded: "Why should I come to Washington?"
"Robert Blackwill once said economic relations between India and the US were as 'flat as a chappati'- a comparison that did not go down well with many Indians. Do you see that changing? What would it take to put a 'puri' on the table instead?"
This is taken from an interview I read on www.businessworldindia.com
One of the most fascinating things about this whole INDO-US friendship is that the Americans somehow still dont trust us and at the same times we Indians are a proud lot.
India is a classic example of earth and sky meeting as one. On on side you have the latest gadgets being sold in the bold new malls of New Delhi, a city which has neither the electricity to power them nor water to quench the thirst of people using them.
Every year the news items are the same. In April/May it is about how the mercury is climbing (read SOARING!) and how there is neither enough water nor electricity to take us through the summer. What I find most amazing is that after a long winter and a gentle spring we forget the pains of summer and are seemingly surprised when the outside temperature reaches the mid 40s (celsius).
Similarly the US is a classic example of such a contradiction. Although there the problems are not as basic as availability of clean water and power. There the problems are more complex. A rot seems to have set into the core of society itself. As people go about their daily lives with a single minded dedication to make it over the next Quality of Life barrier (on their way to the top) they forget the basics of life itself.
Maybe you need hardships in life to keep you grounded.
:)
A.
Sometimes I think I have very strong instincts.
Its like a radar which starts beeping when some crap is going to land on my head.
It doesnt tell me what will happen. I dont have ESP. But what I have is a little red light somewhere in the back of my head which starts glowing when some shit is around the corner.
I think we are all born with it.. but we loose it as we are educated in society by society about how to be 'social'.
When our neural network learns something it forgets something else.
New connections are made and old ones broken.
New patterns emerge and old ones are lost.
I wonder if it is possible for us to re-develop our instincts.
And if possible would we want to do that?
Would we want to give up our instant food plastic shrinkwraped lives for a life of full abandon, a life being lived each second.
A life where differences are cherished. Where people dont walk the beaten path.
Sometimes I feel the sense of spiritual and emotional adventure is dead.
For me love is like a lamp with different shades of mirror.
Each shade represents a different kind of love.
Say pink for love for a sweetheart, blue for the love of friendship and so on.
But till we have that flame of love burning within the lamp we cannot project any kind of love.
That is what I think.
:)
A.
